Just Drifting Is OK

There wasn't much time left, but the very determined driver, Mike Barr was almost at the clinic. He could "feel" just how close the situation was. A very literal life and death race against time.

But the unknown passenger was still back out on the water. That's what he thought. That's the way it seemed. The sea was pretty calm once again, but it was cold. He believed he was in the bottom of the inflatable kayak. He was now and then aware of the water that sloshed back and forth all the time, but for the most part he didn't really notice it that much. He was a bit depressed, once again. He had been before, a couple of days earlier, but had managed to right himself and then felt much better for a while. But now he was sinking again and not really trying to help himself. He had so little energy to begin with, but even if he had felt stronger, he didn't see the point. He was OK with just laying in the bottom of the small boat and drifting.

The New Girl

Mike came to a section of road which wasn't so bad, relatively speaking. He made good time.

It seemed that the sea had calmed, but he wasn't really paying attention. His thoughts were elsewhere. He still didn't understand completely.

Why would someone as young and beautiful as Billie want to focus so much attention and affection upon him. It had at first thrown him off balance. Later though, he had gotten used to it and was often left longing for more as things tapered off, but then it had returned to normal for a while. Her interest in him seemed to rise and fall like a tide.

It was a low tide, and he couldn't help feeling a little sorry for himself, that he had lost something, but it was something he had never really had. And she was after all really just a distraction (sorry Billie) but it was true. She was not the one. As cute and creative and perpetually curious about everything as she was, so genuinely beautiful inside and out, she was not The One. In another life she might be.

In this miserable existence, Ingrid was The One. Nearly everyone at work knew that too. But all the hugs and kisses from Billie didn't go unnoticed. Some people even worried that Ingrid's feelings might be hurt if she ever saw it. But he had told her about it, almost as soon as it began. All she said was, "I guess that's just the effect you have on people."

His neighbor, Lydia, the soon to be therapist thought he should forget about all of the women he was attracted to from work and just go out and have fun, without worrying so much. She thought he should just go out and have lots of sex, with many different women, but not including herself.

The two of them had a history. He had started to fall for her, but she wasn't interested. In fact she had been abundantly clear in that matter. He got the impression that if he had literally been the last man on Earth, she still would not find him attractive. For some reason though, she did like having him around now and then, but not for anything remotely related to sex.

Lydia had actually written and then crossed off the names of four women from work that he was or had been attracted to. She liked helping him with organizational tasks. He had the capacity to be more than a little scattered at times. And Lydia had been helpful with some major projects in the recent past. Quite often, unless he was deliberately paying really close attention to details, and setting up a timeline in order to complete all the necessary steps, he could forget some very important tasks. He could and had done things which were helpful in terms of organization, but that was not his nature. He was usually more inclined to just float along, until he had to do something.

Later he found himself wondering why it had been so important to cross off those names. He thought he knew what she would have said, but was there anything more?

The next day when he was with Ingrid, he found himself saying, "How could I ever stop loving you." as he watched her work. When she noticed him, she said, "What?" and he just said, "What?" right back. She smiled. He wondered if she could recognize the look of love in his eyes.

He suspected that she knew everything. They had never even come close to saying anything close to I love you. But he felt certain that she knew and accepted things as they were. But that was because he never asked for anything more. He didn't tell her that when he walked into the room and she looked so, so beautiful. He wanted to take care of her. He wished that he could take away her troubles, if not all, then at least some of the things that sometimes seemed to weigh so heavily upon her shoulders.

He had gotten pulled in before, hoping to save some little bird with a broken wing. But that had never worked out in spite of his good intentions. Most of the others were simply too damaged by the time their paths had crossed. And at this point in time, he was in his own way pretty far gone too.

He normally didn't feel that he had much left to give to another person. But these little ones, their young students, in need of a helping hand had the capacity to draw him out, when most others no longer could.

But what he wanted, what he hoped for was someone who was happy and bright, who radiated love and positive energy. That's what he had seen when he first met Ingrid. She always lit up a room and made everyone feel better just because she was there. People noticed and missed her tremendously when she wasn't around.

But over the couple of years they had worked together, as he and Ingrid got to know and trust each other more, as they each shared little bits of their own stories, it became clear that at times, in spite of public appearances, each was often on the brink of going under.

He had wanted to just say to her, "You are always so beautiful. And I miss you so much when you're not here." He had learned from past experiences that he needed to resist such impulses. He had learned the hard way. Twice, No three times he had frightened away women who were interested and open to him, by saying too much too soon in those early stages of the relationship had ruined everything. Another woman had actually told him that he said way too much about his feelings. It made things uncomfortable. He remembered Michelle saying "Just keep it in the air." but in their case, he had already said too much and things were doomed, but since then he always tried to remember her advice. He had been careful around Ingrid for some time, from the first moments that he found himself attracted to her.

He missed saying things directly at the moment when he felt something, but still found opportunities, acceptable ways of paying her compliments. Thus far, he hadn't scared her away.

But more important to him, he hadn't made her uncomfortable. She didn't want to add more stress to her life. There was already way too much of that.

When he thought about the prospect of pulling back, and trying to forget what he felt, it was not so much his own feelings that he was worried about. He suspected that she would feel like he was upset with her if he suddenly stopped paying attention, and trying to do little things for her when he could. She accepted what he did because on some level she appreciated it. She was glad that there was someone trying to watch out for her. She could feel hurt if it suddenly stopped.

He couldn't imagine stopping unless she asked him to.

Copyright 2o11 Craig Parks